fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
