Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
