no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
