I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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