wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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