woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
