i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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