I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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