I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
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