I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
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