i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
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