I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
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