I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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