I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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