i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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