ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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