I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Randomize
