I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
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