Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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