mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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