If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
