I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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