I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Randomize
