shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
i think i just lost a toe
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
