I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
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