Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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