I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
