If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Randomize
