I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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