You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
