I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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