Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
the condom got lost in my hair
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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