Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize