The maid of honor just puked.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
