i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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