this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
