The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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