i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Randomize