there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
