Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
