Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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