At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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