i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Randomize
