I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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