You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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