Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
