Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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