I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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