So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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