i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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