Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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