if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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