i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I smell stomach acid.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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