i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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