grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
