I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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