I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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